DEAR MAKERFIELD

It has been an extremely difficult century. Everyone in the United Kingdom has been directly affected by the mistakes of Starmer, Sunak, Truss, Johnson, May, Cameron and on and on it goes. Now your wonderful, beautiful, unparalleled constituency is the epicentre of a political battle for the ages.

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Will you choose Andy Burnham, ‘the King of the North’, hoping he’ll inject a bit of fresh (mid-fifties) blood into the Labour Party and give them one more chance to stave off the threat of a horrific Reform UK government led by crypto-fuelled Nigel Farage?

Or will you choose a self-confessed sexist plumber with appalling views on abortion?

On paper it’s not much of a contest, even if Andy has been a bit naughty turning his back on his job as Mayor of Manchester. It almost feels like he’s somewhat disparaging the democratic process in order to vie for a cheeky stint in 10 Downing Street. Still, he’s only human. And he doesn’t have appalling views on abortion.

But my message is to all of you in Hindley, Ashton-in-Makerfield and all over the glamorous constituency, who have yet to make your mind up: all of you who are wondering for whom to cast your X. And all of you who might not be arsed to turn up at the polling station at all.

I say to you all, GO. Whoever you vote for, VOTE. Democracy is a rare and precious thing. You are the only planet in the cosmos that has it. And that’s extraordinary.

For me to stumble across a planet using democracy is the equivalent of when you happen to spot a branch of Wimpy. You think: ‘Fuck me, is that still going?’ And you know it’s seen better days. But even so, somehow, remarkably, a bit of you still fancies a bit. And that same magic is what makes the British electoral system special.

These are strange and dangerous times. There are forces inside and outside the United Kingdom that are actively trying to degrade or even destroy the democratic process. And they must not be allowed to succeed. Voters need to fight back.

In the UK you can vote for whoever you want, and you can even stand for election no matter what you believe and no matter how ludicrous you might look. That’s amazing.

People ask me why do I do what I do? Partly it’s because I want to restore Ceefax, price-cap croissants (and Wigan Kebabs), build at least one affordable house and rename HS2 to FFS1.

Partly it’s because I’m an intergalactic space warrior with a penchant for dominating other star systems.

But it’s also because I hope I’m able to play a small part in celebrating the unique wonders of British democracy. No other country on Earth holds its ‘mainstream’ politicians - even the Prime Minister, present or future - to account in this unique way on election night, when all the candidates gather on that poky sports hall stage as the people’s verdict is delivered.

It’s magic. It’s rare. It’s British. And it’s your chance to have your say, properly. Not on social media but IRL.

So when the polls are open on Thursday 18 June, between 7am and 10pm, go and make your voice heard. An enormous 47.5% of the Makerfield population didn’t vote at all in the 2024 General Election. If you all go and VOTE FOR ME, I’ll be swept into Parliament in a landslide victory unlike anything the planet has ever seen.

And you know what? I don’t even need that many votes. The Conservatives have been polling at a measly 1% (which seems generous to me). With the help of even just a few of you, I could actually beat the Tories and subject them to a humiliation unlike anything they’ve ever experienced before… and they’ve experienced Liz Truss.

So join me and together let’s create the most powerful protest vote in the galaxy.

Or don’t. That’s the beauty of democracy.

Don’t give in to hate. Don’t vote Reform or Restore. That way leads to the dark side.

But do take part. Because you can.

Peace and love,

CB x