General election 2024

My policies were

1 all Water bosses to take a dip in british rivers, to see how they like it

2 national service to be introduced for all former prime ministers

3 wifi on trains that works

4 trains that work

5 the reintroduction of ceefax

6 children in need to finally get round to fixing pudsey’s eye

7 traffic on northallerton high street to be fixed by a new space bridge, bypassing both level crossings

8 european countries to be invited to join the uk, creating a new ‘union of europe’, if you will

9 wallace and gromit to be knighted, for services to wensleydale

10 I pledge to build at least one affordable house

11 croissants to be price-capped at £1.10, and 99 flakes to cost 99p

12 national yorkshire pudding day to be a bank holiday (except for banks)

13 loud snacks to be banned from cinemas and theatres

14 pensions to be double-locked, but with a little extra chain on the side

15 claudia winkleman’s fringe to be grade 1-listed

16 new series of gladiators to feature ’90s gladiators against age-appropriate contenders

17 minsters’ pay to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years

18 shops that play christmas music before december to be closed down and turned into public libraries

19 to combat the uk’s increasingly wet climate, all british citizens to be offered stilts

20 a ban on speakerphones on public transport. offenders to be forced to live with matt hancock for a year

21 the mini golf course at richmond swimming pool to host the open championship

22 mps to live in the area they wish to serve for 4 years before election, to improve local representation

23 the hand dryer in the gents’ urinals at the crown & treaty, uxbridge to be moved to a more sensible position.

24 count binface to represent the uk at eurovision