London Mayor 2024

Once again in 2024, I campaigned heroically to become Mayor of London. My manifesto called for the abolition of VAR and a promise to force Thames Water managers to "take a dip in the Thames, to see how they like it. I finished in 11th place with 24,260 votes and ahead of Britain First." My policies included:

✔ Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be Grade 1 listed

✔ London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller

✔ Boris Johnson forced to pay all Londoners’ COVID lockdown fines

✔ Londoners who cannot afford a ULEZ-compliant vehicle to get an electric car, paid for by a windfall tax on oil companies

✔ Royal palaces and homes of Russian oligarchs gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness

✔ The hand dryer in the gents' toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge to be moved to a sensible position.